It’s been a while since I’ve had a day like today. It’s hard to convey and even harder to understand since I’m on meds that are supposed to help with the symptoms.
I woke up late after being up even later thanks to the kiddo not taking her sleeping pill. She has autism and requires meds to shut her brain down enough to sleep. (It took 10 years of not sleeping to figure this out).
Anyway… They let me sleep in, but I was not in a good mood for it. No idea why. Actually, yes, I do think I know why. It’s hormonal. And stress. I opened up the bill from the ER for the recent trip I had to make at 3 am for a lousy kidney stone. It was different than the ones I’ve had in the past so I thought maybe my appendix was going to burst or something, otherwise, I’d have stayed home. But, now I have a $3500 bill that I have to sort through. No insurance. So, I get to negotiate the bill and my ability to pay for it.
The hormones though. There’s no negotiating them. It sucks. I have this lingering feeling throughout my body. Tired, but not tired. Agitated, almost anxious but not. And cranky.
I really dislike being cranky and angry. But, days like today, all the things in my life that just don’t sit right, that seem unfair to me – for me – come out without warning. Someone says something that any other day I’d be able to calmly respond to, and my mouth drips vile disgust and contempt for that person.
And when I look back on my week, other signs show up. Severe cramps, exhaustion. I slept for the better part of 3 days in a row. And my joints hurt – my hips, my ankle, my neck.
It’s not a pleasant place to be. I used to be here often. Every month, without question. My emotions and body would go on this uncharted trip without my permission and if you happened to be nearby, you got sucked into the stormy, roiling sea with me.
Last year I sought help. I recognized that it was unneeded pain and anguish for me and my loved ones. It’s officially called PMDD and I’ve had it my whole life. I thought maybe I was crazy or going there. But, no. It’s a real medical condition that I have no willpower over.
The meds worked. But, for me, meds are hard to stay consistent with for a long time. Eventually, I forget to take them more often than I remember. This last month, I re-started and things have been crazy since. Today is the worst in a long while. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers with a sad or dramatic TV series. It’s already what I did all day.
Hopefully, tomorrow will feel better.